Rogue Warrior: Dick Is His Name For a Reason

Available: PS3, Xbox 360

Game Type: 1 Player Shooter

From: Rebellion/Sega

It's interesting that Rogue Warrior advertised the fact that Dick Mercenko voiced the man character Dick in Rogue Warrior. However, I'll get back to that in a moment. The idea behind this lackluster performance is a covert operative trying to make a difference behind enemy lines during the height of the Cold War. Our lead character, we'll call him Soldier Dick, is just that: a soldier with an attitude.

That's where my description of this game ends, as nothing more needs to be stated. It's hard to even classify this as a first person shooter, because the gunplay is worse than Medal of Honor's first PSOne iteration would be today. A highlight of the game was supposed to be "gruesome close quarters kills," but this equates to pressing square when you're near a soldier, at which time Dick says the most stupid phrases like "I guess you're a lady, cuz I just f****d you" or some other comment about the hapless Russian soldiers' testicles. Is this funny? Maybe I'm too old to be playing games like this, but I don't remember thinking gay-bashing humor was the height of hilarity even as a youth.

The FPS play is just atrociously broken, somewhere between god-awful and disgusting. Mercenko throws grenades 500 yards, which is stupid, and you're weapon is always full of ammo, leading to nothing but an itchy trigger finger.

That's it! That's all that needs to be said about this game, because if I waste another ten minutes spelling out the disaster that is Rogue Warrior, you deserve to get duped just like I did. Thank god I rented this trash heap, and even so I felt robbed. If you want this kind of painful experience, try playing bloody knuckles with a cheese grater and I guarantee you'll have a more enjoyable time.

Graphics: Trash--period.

Controls: Are they?

Story: Played out when it makes sense, stupid otherwise.

Multiple Play: Do I need to say it...

Total: 4, F